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NON FICTION 30 Aug 2020
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Cable Guy Getting Off on Screwing Over Customers - SOUTH PARK

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In Comedy

The boys visit the Cable Company in an attempt to change their cable package.
"Informative Murder Porn" S17

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INT. GET CABLE! - DAY
The boys walk up to the customer service window.
CABLE COMPANY WORKER
Hey guys, can I help you?
KYLE
Hello. There are certain networks
that we see as harmful to our
families and we want them REMOVED,
please.
CABLE COMPANY WORKER
Oh you don't want cable any more?
STAN
(looking at slip of papers)
No, no, just ID Network, A&E, Oxygen
and Oprah's network- all the one's
with murder porn.

CABLE COMPANY WORKER
You don't like paying for all the
channels? Oh, our company actually
packages channels together.
He starts rubbing his nipples.
The boys look at each other.
KYLE
Well can you unpackage them so we
only get the channels we want?
CABLE COMPANY WORKER
Oh, I'm sorry our company doesn't
work that way - you want me to give
you the number of a different cable
company that can-- oh wait we're it
aren't we?
He starts rubbing his nipples really hard.
CABLE COMPANY WORKER
Dangit, guess you have to deal with
our packages.
STAN
Can we talk to your supervisor,
please?
CABLE COMPANY WORKER
Oh sure. Hey David-
The boss walks up next to the worker.
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
Hi, is there a problem here?
The boss TEARS OPEN the velcro on his chest and gets ready
to rub.
STAN
We want specific networks dropped
from our cable.
REVERSE back to see both cable guys rubbing their nipples.
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
Oh you have to pay for the bundle
you can't just pay for what you want
to watch, darn it.
KYLE
You mean that we're FORCED to pay
for the Oprah channel.
Reverse back to the guys playing with each other's nipples.
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
Oh yeah you sure are aren't you.
CABLE COMPANY WORKER
I guess if you don't wanna be forced
to pay for Oprah you'd have to shut
off your cable all together.
KYLE
Fine then we'll shut our cable off
all together!
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
No problem sir. Hey Mitch. When
can you get out to shut off some
cable boxes?
Cut to a cable technician sitting at his desk with his feet
up playing with his nipples.
CABLE COMPANY TECHNICIAN
Oh man, it's gonna be like three
weeks. There's a whole plug I have
to pull out, it's like four inches
long.
BACK to the two guys rubbing each others nipples.
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
Three weeks, huh? Okay, is three
weeks from now okay with you guys?
STAN
No that's way too long!
CABLE COMPANY WORKER
Oh it is?! Oh geez that's terrible.
STAN
GOD DAMMIT I JUST DON'T WANT MY
PARENTS TO MURDER EACH OTHER!!!
The men stop and stares at Stan. MUSIC starts.
STAN
Can't you see that all we're trying
to do is keep our families safe?
Look, I don't know if seeing couples
murder each other on television is
going to make my parents do it. And
we probably won't be able to stop
them from watching what they want to
watch. All we're trying to do is
make it a little more difficult for
them because cable makes it so
convenient. Sure if they didn't
have easy access to their murder
porn channels they'd be bummed out,
but it's not just our responsibility
to give them what they want. Is it?
Everyone hangs for a moment.
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
Say- Say that last part again?
STAN
What?
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
What was that last part you said?
STAN
I said it's not our responsibility
to give them what they want-
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
No, no the part about your parents
not getting the channels easily?
STAN
I said it would really bum them out.
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
How--
Starts rubbing his nipples.
CABLE COMPANY MANAGER
How much would it bum them out?

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